Sunday, 30 December 2007

world gone insane

Reality TV and the courts: who can tell the difference? The worst part of this peccadillo seems to be the woman's husband spouting on on all the talk shows... Very interesting. If the offence had been less sexual in nature - that is, less embarrassing for his own masculine self-esteem - would he have said those things? And this had the complicity of the courts. And look what her lawyer said!

Er - and look at these figures. Which one are you? How long, do you think, before we'll all be on probation, or wearing tags, or going back to prison for conducting an innocent workplace conversation with a salami? since when are some kinds of food simply "bad" and others by virtue of their very existence "good"? And you know I love my vegetables. I just hate petty fascists.

"Ban unhealthy foods from hospital vending machines"? Imagine: you're waiting for your aged relative to come out of the operating theatre, or your wife's been having a baby. You're stressed out and overtired. You go to the machine for something to give you a lift and it offers you - an apple or a pear. Give me a break. (What they need, in fact, is better quality chocolate.) There is a time and a place for everything and if anyone wants to talk about food in hospitals they could start by trying to get decent food provided to the fecking patients. I saw not one piece of fresh fruit when I was in hospital this year, you were lucky to be offered a little sealed plastic pot of tinned fruit cocktail once a day. And let's not even start on their total lack of commitment to providing food that's appropriate to the patient's medical condition!

But oh yes, let's put a tax on custard creams. Or on a wonderful smoked ham or farm-reared free-range pork, or on the aforementioned Italian salami, or a ricotta, or a bottle of olive oil. That'll get us eating better! But not on the fruit cocktail in a tin. Noooo. And not on the fish fingers with orange coating.

DNA holds clues to personal beliefs. It It must be true, I read it here. Donate yours now.

By the way, I've had very little, and patchy, internet over the past two days. I did spend an hour or so going in rings around all the various voice-recordings of Virgin Media, speaking to several real people along the way - but all the real people have the power to do is put you through to the recording, and one of them couldn't even speak English, anyway. Sorry Virgin - we aren't fooled! The guy was in India. If you ring Tech Support you don't even get that: you just get a phone ringing into the void until you eventually hang up. On one of the recordings there was news that "some customers in the N22 and N18 areas" may be experiencing "some trouble" with their internet connection. Does N16 count as "the N18 area?" Where is N18? But it's all right because the engineers "expect [sic] service to be restored as soon as possible." Phew!

2008: looking better?

Sorry, this is a non-post. It's sort of a non-week. I'm not even getting my work done, and I bought the wrong kind of printer ink yesterday. I think my brain is fuzzy from eating unhealthy food.

Friday, 28 December 2007

hurry! just eleven days left!

I read it on normblog and I'm spreading the word. My old friend Dina Rabinovitch's fund for a new cancer trials unit at Mt Vernon is going to expire on January 8th, and it is just over £5,000 short of her target amount of £100,000.

You think a cancer trials unit doesn't sound very groundbreaking or exciting or as important as research? Read this. (I can't find it but I'm sure I remember reading a very evocative paragraph about people driving up and down the motorway to different appointments, and how that depends on having a car or even someone to take you there, and how it forces people to make bad choices...)

It would be great to make the target. Dina died a couple of months ago, after campaigning tirelessly to raise this money through the final stages of a terrible three-year-long illness. She wrote a book. She wrote a blog. She went on radio and gave talks and did meetings. Most people don't manage all that when they're well, let alone when they're a dying mother of four kids. All you have to do is click this link and give a few pounds, remembering to include gift aid if you're a UK taxpayer. I would just love it if Dina's fund managed to hit her target. What a start to the New Year. Come on, guys.

the moving finger writes and the moving picture... moves

So... the year wanes and we are left with not much to do besides reflect on the tunnel we're in - the one that runs from Dec 25th to Jan 1st - how we got into it in the first place and what the world might look like when we get out again. Will it look any different at all? Aside from the fact that I will be the size of a house?

Of course, I must be talking about the inner world. The outer world is making itself all too much felt, with Pakistan, the international economy and my lower back all on the brink of falling apart. Here in my little patch of London we will start 2008 with two local teenagers murdered - an unhappy new baseline for our otherwise-quite-peace-n-love neighbourhood. Largely thanks to the efforts of Martin Amis & his friends the intellectual debate on religious fundamentalism has become like a comic book, just when we need rational discourse most badly. I owe British Gas £98 and I'm not even with them any more. The weather is getting stranger; we're told we can't stop global warming now, no matter what we do, and by the way nobody's doing very much. Recycling a few tin cans? Sending gigantic trucks round to get the cans to recycle? I mean, okay, here's a little story for you.

By the big bins at the end of my block there is a mountain of discarded "bulk rubbish" - old chairs, mattresses, kitchen units. The council has apparently told our caretaker several times that they would come and pick the stuff up, but it's been a couple of months and it just looks like shit. And, you know, Hackney, rats... But one day a couple of weeks ago I was on my balcony talking on the phone and I happened to see a truck drive up, pull over next to the house across the road which had a small, neat pile of furniture items in its front garden, and pile them in. It took five seconds. Too late, of course, too late, I noticed that the furniture items were rather cute, especially a little commode stand or similar, with its little drawer liners still in and everything. But I couldn't call out, too far away, too slow. Then they drove away, leaving Mount Everest of Rubbish just yards further along. At the same time, the ex-Mr B has a sofa mouldering in his front garden, because the council have told him he's already exceeded his quota of three, or is it four, items for the year. I mean, he had lots of work done, of course he ditched some old stuff. I told him he could have one my my four call-outs, as I haven't called them out at all, but apparently it doesn't work like that.

But the thing is, these people are driving these trucks around, basing their work on "targets" and "quotas" and wasting fuel and money, and you just get the idea that nobody gives a shit. Having worked in a local authority, I can tell you: they don't. They don't even have the imagination to give a shit. What kind of environmental target involves driving trucks around and not even picking up the rubbish??

The famous Clissold Leisure Centre is re-opening, half a decade later and only about a zillion times over budget. I'll be excited in a couple of years if the roof hasn't caved in. And do they still have mixed-sex showers by the pool?

I don't know, I really don't. If you think about the stupidity of people you could just despair. So let's not think about it. In any case, we are Baroque hereabouts and thankfully not really all that intrested in the mundane elements of How Things Work. I do admire and even envy people who are really intrested in all that stuff, but I am just not one of them. And this is why I can never construct a plotline. (See, it is a serious shortcoming.)

So what will 2008 look like inside? What the hell was 2007 all about? Here in Baroque Mansions it was about, among other things, sickness and death. Sickness, death and movies. Three deaths, three spells in hospital, two operations, four months off work, two trips to the States. It was all about How Things Work. I lay on the couch a lot. I lost the pace that had been my hallmark for the past decade. (Thinking about it, it was probably the pace that made me fall over in Asda, Isle of Dogs, that time, and the time I fell down the stairs while carrying laundry and shouting at my kids over my shoulder, and down the other stairs in four-inch heels trying to leave a party last Christmas, and slip on the pea pod in Somerfields, and break my foot running for a 277 bus while wearing kitten heels, over cobbles... and spill countless cups of coffee running for other buses.) Will I get it back? (Tune in next year...) Does being slow make you old? (I do need to get it back; I have a lot to do and I'm backed up already. In fact, I seem to have done my back in, doing the Christmas shopping.)

2007 was the year in which Mlle B told me I dress older than I used to ("but I mean you still look younger than the other mums! Don't get all excited! Mummy!! What did I say??"), which of course I guess I knew.* You just don't want other people to notice it. Especially when you've lost your pace.

In many ways it was the Year of the Movie. Lying on the couch and losing your concentration means that although a lot of things may not get done, like very important letters to rights departments, you do get to watch a lot of movies. I watched things I had never seen before, filled embarrassing gaps (Taxi Driver - oh my GOD. It is so amazing), revisited old faves and caught up with new things. And there's still so much I've never seen! But I'm back at work now, and have to do the writing I wasn't doing before, so hmm... I also have to buckle down and do the admin or my book will never come out this spring. Crap crap crap. However I am already at work on the next one... the next two, maybe even. Or three, so says my taskmaster. And that's not counting the apocryphal novel.

And look at the time! It's 2 o'clock. Get dressed, Kate.

(Nb. This didn't work. However, am about to go out for a drink in a secret location with a mysterious Stoke Newington blogger of my acquaintance... it's a bit dark out now for the dark glasses, so I'm afraid we'll be rather recognisable. More later, if the Syndicate doesn't get me first.)

* There's a pair of platform sandals with rope trim around the edges, they are the only thing that goes with a certain skirt of mine, but last time I wore them I felt a little funny. Is it bad? Can I still wear them?

Tuesday, 25 December 2007

... and the icing is...













Greetings from deep inside Fanny and Alexander. It's the "full, five-hour" version; I feel as if I should be keeping a log (a Yule log, perhaps). The impressions fly swift and thick as snow, as the feathers in the Christmas bedtime pillow-fight scene, like the way Alexander just throws a handful of them up and swirls under them as they fall - something the camera doesn't even dwell on.

The internet is great for pictures but it never has the still you want. For me the important moments - certainly of the part I've just watched - are when Alexander gets up in the night to light his magic lantern, and when his father comes in and tells the story about the empress' chair, creating, as he does so, the real empress' chair out of an ordinary nursery chair. When he does that, Bergman is the father and we are the children, and we believe him too. I'd have loved one of those dark, intimate images of glowing things. Someone asked me recently what were the films that made an impression on me when I first saw them - meaning, when young - and this was definitely one of them. Bergman's autobiography, The Magic Lantern, was arguably just as big an influence: it blew me away. But then I must have read it after I'd seen this film.

There's more - always more feathers in the pillow - but I won't bore you.

some Christmas gems without icing

































Well, I thought of not posting, and pretending I had a thousand well-coiffed relatives all sitting here in the Mansions of Yuletidely Baroqueliness playing charades and advanced Scrabble, but, like, then I had these ideas. I mean I saw these links. Admittedly it was yesterday when I saw the links, but that is just what it is like this year: it takes a whole day to get anything done.

Les enfants have gone back to their father's home, where they are e'en now sharing a Dickensian repast with two Ukrainian twins who look eleven, and I am home alone with a new Chet Baker CD, still in my negligée (we'll call it) and putting off making something to eat.

First up in the halls of misanthropy was this gem of misery from the evergreen Raymond Briggs: "I don't believe in happy endings" (he says). "Children have got to face death sooner or later. Granny and Grandpa die, dogs die, cats die, gerbils and those frightful things - what are they called? - hamsters: all die like flies. So there's no point avoiding it."

Don't you love that? "Die like flies"?

Briggs' wife died of leukaemia 30 years ago and he's lived alone ever since, a fact that might be expected to fill people with sympathy, but which as it happens fills me (within the perameters, of course, of respect for somerone else's state of mind) with something rather different. Impatience doesn't even begin to cover it. Here's what he says about Christmas: "It's such a family time, they say. Well, apart from two or three cousins that I virtually never see, there isn't a family. So at such a time as Christmas I'm completely buggered."

Great. That makes several of us. Well, at least he didn't call guinea pigs gerbils. I bloody hate it when people do that! In fact, let us raise a glass of yesterday's Prosecco to the dear departed Dibbles (named by the children of Ms Rational Self-Determinism, by the way, not by me; she tried to justify it as their infant mispronunciation of "Tybalt," which frankly I think hardly better). Good old Dibbles.

Father Christmas, eh.

Then we come to Paul Muldoon's new Christmas poem, published just today in the New York (you know, the City That Never Sleeps) Times: "Myrrh" (& here's an extract):

"...These tears of gum
on the Christmas tree the closest we'd as yet come to myrrh,
though tincture of myrrh was still prescribed for gum
and mouth disorders. Christmas Eve. A mere

two days till the hunters would raise the puss,
a pack of hounds starting it from its form
and following it through the surrounding area till, jingle-jangle,

its nozzle would fill with blood. As yet, a little bloody pus..."

Er. Is this all getting a bit forced? A bit "Cuba"* meets Fungus the Bogeyman? Do we really have to try that hard, is it all about bacilli, does it have to be like every other poem he's ever written, might we be relied upon to get the point on our own?

No... thought not. But somehow it just is (cancels New Years' submission to The New Yorker).

Poetry does come through for us, after all, this holiday season. I tried to re-read Louis MacNeice's "An Eclogue at Christmas" (see footnote & apply disclaimer) but it is just too depressing. Who needs it. But Joseph Brodsky - well, the NYRB has published this poem of his... I have his book of Nativity Poems, of which he used to write one every Christmas. They are wonderful if often not very Christmassy in the sense we're used to thinking of it. (Looking back over my archive I see I have quite a few of my own, of varying degrees of usefulness, most more soul-searching and less "Dr Strangelove" than Mr Muldoon's recent offering - not that I think this makes me anything like Brodsky of course.)

He has this great first line: " When it's Christmas we're all of us magi."

That doesn't mean we're happy, it doesn't mean we know our friends are going to like our presents or that we're even going to be welcome when we arrive - it doesn't mean the auguries are correct - we have to take that on faith - and what is faith? (Don't ask Christopher Hitchens.) It means we have no choice but to do this, because it is what being human means, in all humility and in full knowledge of all our shortcomings, in the face of the derision of our peers and knowing full well that often things don't turn out well, even if we think they might; &, well, there's more. But I won't.

Or, wait a minute. Is this what we were told the Three Wise Men were about when I was in Sunday School? Hmm. Well, yes, probably. (Actually the morning service today was from the Wesley Chapel, and I thought it was lovely. Call me useless, but I hadn't realised that Charles Wesley wrote "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing".)

Brodsky's poem is titled the day before the Christmas Day pictured above - a Christmas on which, in a house stuffed to the rafters with friends and relatives, we three kids received a Scarlett O'Hara doll, a baby doll named after Mary Cassatt, a chemistry set, a giant inflatable penguin, books too innumerable to mention (including, however, I think, The Witch of Blackbird Pond) and other sundry presents. I think Brodsky's opening line here is the poem's best line, but that line is great, I think.

Elsewhere in the New York Times, this vapid op-ed. Give me a fucking break.

Now I'm going to go make something to eat and then watch "Fanny and Alexander," which I'm told is high-brow but is all I can manage today. I'll have a glass of wine in one of le défunt Duc's pressed-glass wine glasses, against the ruin of which I have shored six and pressed them to my sideboard.

(Nb. The kids did love their presents, and had never heard of "Chinatown." Yay! The thrill is yet to come. They did respond to the words "Jack" and "Nicholson.")


* I'm sure this is in copyright and unpermissioned. But I love this poem. I used to have a copy of an early draft which was also wonderful and rather different, but who knows where the it - I mean where it is now. It was only a photocopy.

Saturday, 22 December 2007

a note from the underground

Today on the tube home I sat opposite a man who was obviously a Russian Orthodox priest: he was of indecipherable age, with a ridiculously long, grey beard; thin, with somehow thin-looking skin. Glasses. A big black sheepskin coat with a fur collar, and a black robe underneath it. I was watching him on the platform as the train drew in. When he got on, he sat down opposite me, as I sat innocently enough knitting with my silver space-age supersonic circular needles, and to my astonishment as I was entertaining a long train of thought a woman came on and sat down next to him. Headscarf, grey hair, terrible skin. Red blotches. Awful clothes and, I couldn't help but notice, a black coat (not sheepskin for her, poor thing) with a fake fur collar. Completely make-up-free, and she could use a better skin-care regimen from the looks of it. She looked utterly not of this world at all, but of a world one can only read about, and imagine: a world of peasants and artistocrats, of Decembrists (note: not "Decemberists", the fools) and duels in the snow and carriages awaiting and exile in the Urals. Plots, samovars, folk songs in a minor key. Embroidered textiles. Well, you get the picture. Wolves, and painted doors.

So I sat there, and the two started conversing, in Russian. I could make out nothing. But it did take me back to the old days, when I used to have Russian lessons with a Soviet emigré called Natasha, from Leningrad, in the kitchen of her parents' apartment in Hartford, CT. I was fascinated by all the case endings and in love with the alphabet, the strange closed vowels and the poetry of it all.

Anyway, these two were straight out of Dostoyevsky. They chatted very contentedly, too, all the way to their stop. Laughing a little, in the way of people who understand each other so well there's no need to actually laugh. She was casting eyes like stitches in the direction of my supersonic needles, but he would have none of it. He might even have thought it was sinful. Do you think? She held a little National Gallery gift-shop bag on her lap, in her scrubbed hands, but it never got referred to, and when they got up to leave she cast one final glance at my own hands, but he ignored me cruelly as a tyrant as he navigated his path off the train.

what is going wrong here?

£83 in Tesco, and when I unpacked it, most of it was different kinds of cake. Christmas cake, Duchy Originals mini-mince pies, 2 Stollens, panettone, panforte, and, er, oh an Italian selections box, comtaining all kinds of Pandoro, amaretti biscuits and cantuccini etc. To give away. This is what comes of going shopping when you're hungry. And I'd have been happy enough with a carrot stick.

Books, though? Only in the form of Amazon parcels, which are not to be confused with sausage-meat parcels, which I did not buy. There are three books now waiting to be reviewed, and I did look inside them, but we are in those final days when there is no point, no point at all.

Aside from that I can say nothing. Father Christmas is a very busy man and I am his personal assistant.

Thursday, 20 December 2007

"too beautiful and romantic to survive"

















No, not me. If I were going to go under it would have happened long ago.

And in fact the beauty of Martin Jennings' statue of John Betjeman (who said those words about St Pancras Station itself) lies in its almost romantic adherence to the workaday. Like Patrick Kavanagh on the bench in Dublin. (You see: poets don't often get statues, but when they do...) This one is just lovely.

(It's also in stark contrast to Galliano's Dior dress, posted below. In this statue, writes Justin Gowers in the Guardian Arts Blog, "Jennings has skilfully captured Betjeman's shabby appearance. His shoelace and scruffy collar are undone. He has knotted string for one shoelace. His right trouser leg is lower at the back." I can't see that going down too well at Paris Fashion Week.)

I haven't been to the new St Pancras Station yet; such is the uselessness of London that I pass underneath it twice a day, and I have eagerly asked friends who've been there: "how does it look? What's it like?" as if I were a medieval villager and they were travelling minstrels.

The chalky-pale-blue ironwork is very beautiful, isn't it? And Victorian: we'd lack the imagination to do that now, with the red.

Thanks to Nicholas Murray for the tip... embarrassingly, I've missed the whole thing. You know, maybe I'll go home on the bus one day and get off in St Pancras. Would it be so hard?

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

elegant little birds

I haven't put, simply, a dress on here in some time. This dress makes my spirits fly like little birds, just looking at the picture. Click on the picture to go to the original piece at The Thoughtful Dresser, where she has a very good quote to go with it.

If you should for any reason have a problem thinking of this dress as "something to wear," trying to compartmentalise it in the same part of your brain where you keep your tatty old jeans or your sensible skirts from M&S, do me a favour. Look at it again, as something someone made. Look at the construction and the shape of it. And look at those yellow gloves.

Monday, 17 December 2007

will there be snowsfields for Christmas?

It smells like snow out there, that's for sure.

A reminder. I'm part of this massive XMas event tomorrow night in London Bridge, henceforth to be known as Lumsden Bridge, where I will be reading my new, festively-titled poem "The Desert" as part of a celebration of the Twelve Days of Christmas.

The details:

36 London poets, each reading a poem on one of the 12 gifts: three poets per gift. Yours truly here got four calling birds and only managed to get one bird into the poem.

Miller of Mansfield pub
96 Snowsfields Road,
near London Bridge and Borough tube stations (see map)

There will be a bar from 7pm in the room; come along and have a chat; readings will start at 8pm sharp.

Readings will be in three half hour sets and will end by 10pm (so says the organiser, Roddy Lumsden!).

£5 fee for non-participants.

The featured poets are: Annie Freud / Andrew Jamison / Imogen Robertson / Katy Evans-Bush / Simon Barraclough / Jonathan Attrill / Isolde Barker-Mill / Adam O'Riordan / Angela Kirby / John Citizen / Heather Phillipson / Kathryn Maris / Roddy Lumsden / Michael McKimm / Anne Brechin / Kate Potts / Inua Ellams / Mark Waldron / Diana Pooley / Eloise Stonborough / Amy Key / Clare Pollard / Emily Berry / Matthew Caley / Meryl Pugh / Tim Wells / Daisy Hirst / Octavia Lamb / Kate Bingham / Gareth Jones / Camellia Stafford / Gale Burns / Tamsin Kendrick / Tom Chivers / Ahren Warner

God, Terry Eagleton, Christmas shopping and Jeremy Irons















Oh my GOD, dear readers! You have no idea. Or maybe you have. It's not an easy life, is it. Well, anyway, I seem to have done quite a bit of damage today; in fact the odious Damage* is one of the few films I seem not to have bought, in my perigrinations across the internet and the Angel, Islington. I have managed to do all that while in the throes of a terrible cold, which is leaving me drained and wan, and then the word "drained" only reminds me of Dr Strangelove, which I might go and buy on Amazon now I've thought of it; I'm sure the Urban Warrior would love to own it. I wonder if it's one of the ones that cost £20? (answer: no. It's £5.97. I find these prices very hard to resist...)

Yesterday, before I went to the cinema for my splendid Dippyfest, I read the piece on Terry Eagleton in the Observer. I was gripped, fascinated and amused. Parts of it blew through my brain like a fresh wind, and it did make me laugh out loud a couple of times.

I know my colleague Elizabeth Baines is annoyed at Eagleton's assertion within that piece that writers of fiction are somehow not as worthy to be public intellectuals as, say, ideosyncratic Marxist philopher-professors.** What Eagleton in fact said was that:

"I have no idea why we should listen to novelists on these matters any more than we should listen to window cleaners. I don't know where their status comes from. When someone like Ian McEwan stands up and says, "I believe in individual freedom," you know, it's like: 'Hallelujah, put up your hands all those that don't,' but such words do not respect a much larger problem."

I think that the second, McEwen, half of this sentence strangely goes some ways towards defining what he means in the first half - though I'd say it would be a pretty interesting window cleaner who'd be able to put together 10,000 words of Horrible Horrorism. However, Eagleton goes on:

"The implication from Amis and McEwan - and from Hitchens and Richard Dawkins - is that civilisation and atheist rationalism go together, and I think that is a very dangerous argument to make. The debate over God - Muslim or Christian - is for them increasingly becoming code for a debate on civilisation versus barbarism. I think one needs to intervene and show the limitations of that."

Now, this is where it gets interesting, because - put starkly - I think this analysis, its one paragraph, is correct. I haven't read Dawkins, it just looked too boring, but I did read most of Hitchens' book. It is just rank polemics; there isn't one sentence of it that proves what he's saying unless you already believe in his basic premise. You could go through with a red pen and substitute the phrase "human nature" for "religion" and the thing would still stand up.

Back to Eagleton, there's more in this vein:

"He suggests that the question 'do you believe in God?' is akin to asking someone whether they believe in the Loch Ness monster.** Dawkins, he says, seems to imagine God 'if not exactly with a white beard then at least as some kind of chap', whereas even in the simplest sense, 'for Judeo-Christianity, God is not a person in the sense that Al Gore arguably is... He is the condition of possibility of any entity whatsoever, including ourselves. He is the answer to why there is something rather than nothing. God and the universe do not add up to two any more than my envy and my left foot constitute a pair of objects.'"

Anyway, I'm leaving you there, just as I left Eagleton when he started talkimg about Iraq. Just because I never trust these people when they start talking about Iraq. You might as well be listening to a taxi driver.


* Jeremy Irons was largely rehabilitated in my eyes by his performance in The Merchant of Venice. I thought he had been before that, but looking on IMDb I can't quite see why. He was a bit wooden in Danny the Champion of the World, and hopelessly miscast, I thought, in Lolita. Or maybe that was part of the horror, if not horrorism, of that film. The story doesn't berar contemplating without Nabokov's prose, in any case. Help me out here, guys.

** Basically Elizabeth is forgetting, in caring what TE says about this, that at bottom it isn't what you do for a living that makes the difference: it's whether you make sense. Even Eagleton, even now, is making more sense than Martin Amis. I say this who, after a lifetime of watching Amis turn himself into a more and more unbearable ponce, thought Ronan Bennett made no sense at all. Even Martin Amis is thinking more deeply than he is.

*** Here in Baroque Mansions we used to have the DVD. Nessie does exist, and Ted Danson gets the girl. She's a Redgrave: it must be real.

wanna be in my...

Twenty six teenagers killed in one year. That's in London. Two in a month, now, here in N16. Something tells me that more activities in the local youth centre might not be quite enough.

Sunday, 16 December 2007

happiness is...














...having a terrible, stinking, streaming cold, the kind that makes full-blown flu sound fun, seeing yourself in the mirror and looking even more washed-out than you feel, finding that your last bit of Nurofen has fallen out of your handbag, the rotter, and not being allowed to take Day Nurse anyway because it apparently aggravates your glaucoma (go figure), but anyway there isn't even any in the house - only Night Nurse which is even worse for you and in any case would put you out - realising that you are really not up to going and getting the Christmas tree, but you aren't ill enough to go to bed properly, and in any case seem be have been slightly hyper-sensitive to the caffeine in your morning coffee...

...and then discovering that the Rio Cinema has a Gérard Depardieu double bill on this afternoon! Oh, yes it does.

And it's okay because you have already written your four calling birds poem - albeit with only one calling bird, but it's a highly effective calling bird, so that's okay then.

You know where to find me.

Saturday, 15 December 2007

Christmas cheer

What a time of year this is. You go out, hair of the dog, something else happens, a balding dog, not enough sleep, family birthdays, carols everywhere (and what are the verses of 'Joy to the World!'?), no black 'Leg & Bodyshaper' tights at all in any Marks & Spencer anywhere (I like them, they are comfortable all day long and do not go droopy around your ankles - ask Non-Working Monkey, she knows), yet another cold, cough and sore throat, and the voice threatening to go again just as it was coming back...

Mlle B, on the other hand, was in fine voice for her school show last night. She had a solo number with an all-girl band including backup singers, drums, piano and bass - it was a class act and that's not just because I'm her mother! We'll just gloss over the fact that she was singing a Carole King song. She sounded beautiful, with no wobbles, and the backup singers were adorable with their little harmonies... Alice on bass was pretty great, too.

The show was fab all round, as always. The swing band is in great shape, with two serious trumpeters (one of whom I've been watching since he was little - when he finally leaves school altogether I'll have to go to his gigs & just be an ageing fan) and an ace saxophonist; there is nothing cuter than a 15-year-old jazz guy. Jack's band rocked the hall with a wall of noise, and the singing was great! I love these kids. 14 years old and unafraid of a falsetto. I love that I've known them since they were babies. Beautiful string quartet, and some amazing voices. Two sets of identical twins (one of which comprised 2/3 of Mlle B's backup singers - the prettiest things you could hope to see, with such voices!). And at the end Mr Emmerson had the grace not to take, as he did last year, credit "for everything that happens in this school" and also to spare us his own reflections on this being his last-ever SNS Christmas show. Maybe he's as relieved as we are. He just said nice things about the kids, handed out the bottles of wine to the teachers, and got off there. Merry Christmas!

Speaking of the denizens of the stage, my fellow-blogger Ms Pants (otherwise known as the Debbie Harry of Hackney) is preparing - as she has threatened for so many months - actually to journey to the other side of the world. She has been packing her possessions up this week for their trip across the ocean; I gather the baby grand ihas been proving to be a tight fit in the rucksack. I've been half-wondering when Barney, her hypo-allergenic Owly-Cat, wouldget fed up with the whole enterprise and take it into his head to dig through to the other side, but reports are now that she's thinking of having him cryogenically frozen until they get there, or something. Apparently you can do that with hybrids, and it saves on having to decorate them for the festive season. It's a big thing, this decampment, and it's hard to realise it means she really won't be a Hackney Blog any more. But she can be twinned with Hackney.

Along with Non-Working Monkey, this makes two of my favourite Londoners who have gone away to the lands of Serious Domestic Christmas Decoration. (And I mean serious.) Fortunately, by the time Ms P arrives in Oz she'll have most of the year to prepare her display for next December.

In other news, I have a rough working draft of my 'four calling birds' poem! But that's it. I have not read anything at all in, oh, as long as I can almost remember. Days. Twelve days.

But I did read this. (Don't say I never give you anything.)

Friday, 14 December 2007

last Thursday morning

Thursday, 13 December 2007

elegantly dressed and only one day late















What's crazier? Her hair? Her glasses? Her?

It's a Christmas miracle. I thought I might just stay away till Groundhog Day and come back in Bill Murray mode. But instead I find myself suddenly attracted by Arts & Letters Daily's headline: "At the end, Bette Davis raged, guzzling alcohol, writing nasty letters, and slamming the door on old friends... " I think arriving a day late for the weekly event is well in keeping.

(I'm even later. The review in The Scotsman is nearly three weeks old.)

I've never liked her much; as it happens, she was the apogee of the late Duc de Baroque's conception of womanhood, which seemed curiously at odds with what I knew of the condition from infant experience, and not very nice. She'd have ruined the role of Scarlett O'Hara, and frankly Vivien ("Fiddle Dee Dee!") Leigh is much more my idea of a girl, although a very seriously crazy one. And not very nice. However.

I hope I'm not near the end. I've spent the whole week not writing nasty letters... & anyway, maybe things are looking up.

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

back in a few days

or whenever. If you want me, email me.

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Wendy gets it right

... as always. I only wish I could be like her.

Regular readers will know that my thinking recently on the Welsh Library's digital archiving/copyright row was partial and rather shallow. I'm not retracting any of my thoughts, because I think I even said at the time that I was casting about for a framework for my thinking on the subject... anyway, two people have sounded great knells of common sense. One was my friend Mark, in Ireland, who wrote to me: "My wife... is a recognised authority on copyright law. I'll show her your post and see what she thinks. She would probably feel that the poets should have been asked (never mind the paltry sums involved) since such courtesy should be a basic requirement. Most schools and universities here are finally paying for the privilege of photocopying copyright material. The money then goes into a pool and is distributed to authors by means of surveys (to see which works are being copied). All very complex and imperfect, but writers DO get paid (not many of them poets of course)."

And the other was Wendy Cope, a very decisive, clear thinker, who wrote on the subject very decisively indeed in the Guardian last week.

I'm afraid now to quote very extensively from her article! I'll just quote this:

"In an attempt to do something about widespread ignorance of copyright law, the ALCS and the Poetry Society commissioned me, some years ago, to write a poem on the subject. It is called The Law of Copyright and the form is borrowed from Kipling's poem The Law of the Jungle. Too long to reproduce here, the poem points out that

'This is the law: the creator has rights that you can't overlook.
It isn't OK to make copies - you have to fork out for the book'."

I'm happy to report, however, that I can hold my head up. Whyen I was researching a long article on Wendy Cope a couple of years ago, I showed some of her poems to my best friend - Ms Rational Self-Determinism - whom I thought they would amuse. They did, and she went out and bought all of Cope's books.

Of course, I'm still not sure if I think poems - that is, just any poems - have what could be defined as a parket value. And I'm sure that two hundred years ago people would have copied out a poem they liked by hand, and given it to their friends - and of course many of us are not so fortunate (yet) to be able to rely on the income from readings to pay for anything much more substantial than a drink... which is why I think Mark's comments are so sound. It's not just about money. As usual, money is the least interesting, and most distracting, part of the equation.

the one into the many and the many into the one

While Doris Lessing laments that books and reading no longer seem important to us, the chief rabbi, Jonathan Sacks, is lamenting the loss of a common culture - the "canon" people would be reading, if they were reading. (I put it in scare quotes because I don't really like the word - and in the article I get all this from the religious origins of the word are much gone into, which may be helpful to some but I feel is a distraction from the matter at hand.) He recently wrote (according to Richard Jenkyns in Prospect magazine), "'Until recently, national cultures were predicated on the idea of a canon, a set of texts that everyone knew. In the case of Britain they included the Bible, Shakespeare and the great novels. The existence of a canon is essential to a culture. It means that people share a set of references and resonances, a public vocabulary of narratives and discourse.' This shared inheritance, he argues, is now being destroyed by multiculturalism and technology, satellite television and the internet in particular."

There it is again: the internet in particular. Everything is now available everywhere, all the time. But the fact is that, even without the internet's free instant downloads of any episide of Seinfeld you want (if you know where to look), there are now several canons (cana? canards?), at least in terms of keeping up with contemporary culture. No one can nowadays be well-informed in science, drama, film, fiction, current affairs, history, poetry, critical theory, the new series of Scrubs, fashion, contemporary cooking and local politics. Gone are the days when you could read The Spectator and The Times, and listen to Radio 4, and pass. In poetry alone the difference beetween, say, LANGUAGE and New Formalism is enough to make two distinct fields.

But it's not just reading: Jenkyns, discussing Rabbi Sacks' premise, goes on to say: "...at the start of the 21st century... we live in a world without heroes.... The middle of the last century saw men such as Churchill, Mao and De Gaulle who, for better or worse, were big figures. Two decades ago there were leaders like Thatcher, Gorbachev and... Mandela. Today, on the other hand, it appears that not one of the nearly 200 nations of the world is led by a person of truly exceptional quality. Perhaps we are fortunate to live in an age that calls for technocrats rather than titans, but something has been lost."

He goes on: "We lack cultural heroes... Isaiah Berlin used to say in his last years that there were no geniuses left in the world: no great novelists, poets, painters or composers... On the surface there is a good deal of chatter about young British artists or brilliant novelists and filmmakers, but deep down we feel that nothing very large is coming to birth... I remember in the 1970s a distinguished person passing the Listener to me and saying, about The Old Fools, "There is a poem that will last for 500 years": it was Philip Larkin's latest. It is a sentence that one cannot easily imagine being spoken today."

Now, I'm asking: is it that no great work is being produced, or that we now think of it differently? We've lost the ability to value things for what they mean - I think we no longer know what they mean. This is what relativism is: precisely that we no longer think our own social baggage is any more important than anyone else's, even though it is more important to us. We can't even value ourselves more than anyone else, any more. I said three days ago, apropos Lessing's Nobel speech, that we'd lost our sense of significance. I think this is what Martin Amis is (however cackhandedly) going on about. When he notoriously asked an auditoriumful of people in Manchester last week to raise their hands if they felt "morally superior to Al Qaeda" he was asking them to take a stand: what do you think is significant, meaningful, right? And few people did put their hands up. I know I very likely wouldn't have put mine up, and the reason doesn't lie in moral equivocacy. It's something deeper than that, a sort of existential diffidence. We're just really not sure.

Jenkyns goes on (of course I am very partially quoting; please do read the whole thing): "The chief rabbi is right to say that multiculturalism has been a disaster. For one thing, it is actually monocultural: it is the demand that all countries should be like America (though without America's devotion to nation and constitution). For another, it inhibits the robust and confident expression of the majority culture, although such robustness and confidence provide the best conditions for minority cultures also to flourish. The millennium dome has been so ridiculed that it may seem cheap to drag it up again, but its utter vacuity has been instructive. It would have been more popular and enjoyable, as well as more worthwhile, if it had celebrated high culture, taken pleasure in our history, and not tried to conceal whose two-thousandth anniversary was actually being marked. We should indeed assert the importance of historical memory, of ancestry and rootedness. This is something which immigrants do not share, but the answer is not to pretend that it does not matter, but to offer new citizens a kind of historical memory by proxy. That is more or less what happens in the US."

Can we get back to where the children will know Bible stories? (Or even fairy tales! I forbade all modernised, sanitised, girl-rewritten,* happy-ending fairy tales in our house; but the kids did get given them. Ugh.) I know a lot of people are atheists and don't want their children even to think of Christmas as a religious festival - really! - but this always seems a shame: all those children, cut off from our old shared story. Already in daily life I meet loads of people, many educated, with no frame of reference except a local, contemporary one (Lessing mentions this too) and it is - aside from anything else - really quite boring.

(Hat tip, as so often, to 3 Quarks Daily for the link.)

* Fairy tales have quite a few extremely clever heroines, if the boring people only knew it.

(nb. I do sometimes thank God I only write this tosh & don't have to read it. It's all so partial.)

Monday, 10 December 2007

cultural relativity continued

Is this watch as funny, or not as funny, as it seems? (Click on the picture.) Maybe it's scary. Like the dream I was having this morning which featured (among many other things) the most succulent ham in the universe. It was more lovely than any ham I have ever cooked for any Christmas Eve. But when I ate it, it tasted like chicken. I mean who really knows what anything means any more? (Maybe the unemployed philosophers, for a start.)

twelve days of Christmas - and a drink-up


















Roddy Lumsden, with a seasonal eye out for a poetry party, has asked 36 London poets to write a new poem based on the twelve gifts in the famous song, to be read as part of a Christmas extravaganza in London Bridge on December 18th - one week before the Big Day. Roddy is thus like a sort of Poetry Santa, providing what he calls "a backdrop for seasonal drinks for the thirsty bards of the smoke."

The venue is the Miller of Mansfield pub, at 96 Snowsfields Road, near both London Bridge and Borough tube stations. Do you think the power of words will win? Might we have some snowfields?

Readings will start 8pm sharp, will be in three half hour sets and will end by 10 (so says Roddy!!) - but come along at 7pm for drinks and gossip.

£5 fee for non-participants.

The featured poets will be Annie Freud / Andrew Jamison / Imogen Robertson / Katy Evans-Bush / Simon Barraclough / Jonathan Attrill / Isolde Barker-Mill / Adam O'Riordan / Angela Kirby / John Citizen / Heather Phillipson / Kathryn Maris / Roddy Lumsden / Michael McKimm / Anne Brechin / Kate Potts / Inua Ellams / Mark Waldron / Diana Pooley / Eloise Stonborough / Amy Key / Clare Pollard / Emily Berry / Matthew Caley / Meryl Pugh / Tim Wells / Daisy Hirst / Octavia Lamb / Kate Bingham / Gareth Jones / Camellia Stafford / Gale Burns / Tamsin Kendrick / Tom Chivers / Ahren Warner

Yours truly here is still struggling with her "four calling birds" poem, but I can assure you there will be a poem on the night! And a jolly good one too. But for now, annoyingly, I can't even think the word "calling" without being haunted by the spectres of Nelson Eddy and Jeanette MacDonald, and their infernal Indian Love Call. "When I'm calling you-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo..." "I will answer too-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo..."

Oh, that Nelson Eddy was such a dish. And look at Jeanette's hair! I want it...

Sunday, 9 December 2007

christmas time is here

For some reason it is beginning to feel, if not a lot, at least a bit, like Christmas. Some of us had the snow last week, and of course I was in America where they decorate their houses and yards with more lights and baubles than you could easily imagine: whole rooftops blazoned with lights in the manner of giant icicles, huge fluorescent Santas and reindeer, bigger-than-life Christmas trees by people's driveways, even (I think - we couldn't be sure, from the Thruway) two identical glow-in-the-dark life-size Virgin Marys. See, I could barely get over a nagging feeling that the decorations would be stolen. But there? They won't be!

If it weren't for being always going past in a car I'm sure I'd have taken some pictures.

Anyway, today I was in Kingston, Surrey, which I got to by way of Richmond. Richmond! It's lovely down there, out in Zone whatever-it-is. It actually feels kind of Christmassy! I don't know - maybe Hackney doesn't really cut it - or does it?



(This doesn't mean I feel at all like dragging a tree up my stairs, or spending a whole weekend cluttering up my flat with useless rubbish, I mean decorating, or bankrupting myself, or doing any of those things. It does NOT.)

Saturday, 8 December 2007

the people in mud huts
















Doris Lessing - I hope I'm as good at 88!


Doris Lessing, in her Nobel acceptance speech last night, gave an intense and vivid description of the importance of books - where books really are important, to people who have literally nothing else. Contrast this scenario with our own spoiled, internet-dazzled society: we who think we know everything, Googling away at the drop of a hat, know nothing.

There seems to be an issue with effort. It's so easy just to type in whatever you're looking for - and who cares anyway whether Wikipedia is really reliable. It's close enough, right? And if you're 90% likely to get information that's good enough, who cares that the interpretation was wrong, or the birth year listed was one year out?

When did we lose our respect, our hunger for knowledge? When did looking it up on screen replace actually wanting to know it in the first place?

Lessing says:

"What has happened to us is an amazing invention - computers and the internet and TV. It is a revolution. This is not the first revolution the human race has dealt with. The printing revolution, which did not take place in a matter of a few decades, but took much longer, transformed our minds and ways of thinking. A foolhardy lot, we accepted it all, as we always do, never asked: 'What is going to happen to us now, with this invention of print?' In the same way, we never thought to ask, 'How will our lives, our way of thinking, be changed by the internet, which has seduced a whole generation with its inanities so that even quite reasonable people will confess that, once they are hooked, it is hard to cut free, and they may find a whole day has passed in blogging etc?'*

Very recently, anyone even mildly educated would respect learning, education and our great store of literature. Of course we all know that when this happy state was with us, people would pretend to read, would pretend respect for learning. But it is on record that working men and women longed for books, evidenced by the founding of working-men's libraries, institutes, and the colleges of the 18th and 19th centuries. Reading, books, used to be part of a general education. Older people, talking to young ones, must understand just how much of an education reading was, because the young ones know so much less."

And she talks about villages in Zimbabwe where people in mud huts with no books and no paper, and certainly no Wikipedia, are trying to learn. It's the hardest thing in the world; often they just want to learn to read. Just as she says these kinds of mud huts have been built always and everywhere - eg in Saxon England - so these places have always existed, where people have to carve civilisation afresh from its raw materials.

America is of course addicted to its legends of the west, and its pioneers, who did just that, and in sod huts to boot. I grew up addicted to these stories. Of course I learned all about it by reading - about children in covered wagons, and how they made their food, and how they built their houses, often with borrowed Indian lore. The trail west was littered with unwanted items, packed hopefully in the east and just too heavy to carry all the way: Grandfather clocks, rocking chairs, small pianos; chests of superfluous clothes. But people didn't abandon their family Bibles, their violins, their John Bunyans, their Paradise Losts.

I also loved stories of the Middle Ages, even the Dark Ages - which was Saxon England, of course. I confused everyone I knew at 15, the year I was in a crazy hippie school called Shanti,** by choosing for my independent project a research paper about Alfred the Great. (This really was a strange thing to do. I had a little card index full of notes, whose sources I meticulously recorded. Other kids, for their projects, did quilting; one gay redheaded boy went to Vermont to be a ski instructor. And one girl in 10th grade, who had been sent to Shanti because she was pregnant, had her baby for her project.)

Now, Alfred the Great really was great. He defined an England for the first time, made it out of the old Saxon kingdoms that weren't strong enough to see off the Vikings individually - East Anglia, Mercia, Northumbria and Wessex (of which he was the king) - ended the hopeless war against the invaders with the truce of the Danelaw, and established a civilised infrastructure. Chief among his achievements was this one simple thing: he built schools. He decreed that every freeborn boy should learn to read, and also that those able to should learn to read Latin. He translated many works into English; his English version of Boethius' Consolations of Philosophy was popular throughout the entire Middle Ages, and he was a poet too: many sections of that work are now felt by scholars to be rather - ahem - original, some in alliterative verse. Alfred knew that, as Doris Lessing says, writers (and thinkers, and people who can simply tell the difference) can come from mud huts, but they are less likely to come from mud huts where nobody reads.

You could also say they're less likely to come from a house where people are watching "Big Brother" or playing computer games all day. Because, fun and ironic as the one may appear to be, and quick as the other may make one's reflexes, they both rely for their success on a lack of discernment, which they also feed.

My "counsellor" at Shanti School, a 32-year-old skinny guy called Chuck, had left his wife in Cincinatti to take the job - at $8K a year, as opposed to a $32K academic job he had also been offered - so as to assuage his guilt at being a white middle-class male. He used to read us his letters from her in what passed for "home room." Once, he even cried. I guess a paper on Alfred the Great - the ultimate affluent white guy - wasn't really Chuck's bag. Already in his bad books for not signing up for the Racism Awareness Workshop (of which more another time, maybe), I tried to argue that Alfred the Great was my Roots, but nobody was impressed. Chuck gave me a B+ without ever reading the paper.

Of course computer games, TV and the internet aren't the problem: they're just conduits. The problem is that we're growing lazy, smug and boring; we think we know everything and don't need to devote our lifetimes to learning. As Lessing puts it, "We are in a fragmenting culture, where our certainties of even a few decades ago are questioned and where it is common for young men and women, who have had years of education, to know nothing of the world, to have read nothing." This is, for example, how I came last week to be listening to a very nice girl telling me how some people think Curious George is a Racist Book, because Curious George (the curious little monkey) is like a boy, but he's brown (duh) and he gets into trouble (of course he does - he's a curious little monkey!) and this apparently means little black boys are being compared to non-human primates. (Don't even get me started.)

And look at the Shilpa Shetty racism row last summer: in a society where anyone at all in charge was using any discernment, or was able to pick through the platitudes to an actual idea of what is what, none of that would have happened. And your kids and mine were watching it, when they could have been reading Vanity Fair. The book.

Lessing finishes with an amazing story about a young African woman queueing up in the dust for water, small children hanging off her skirt, engrossed in a torn section of Anna Karenina. In her story, the young woman is so engrossed that she can barely put the book down, although she's only managed to pick through one paragraph of it, even when it comes her turn to get water. It may be that Lessing is right, and this woman is more indicative than we are of civilisation. While she and others like her are trying to become "full human beings" - full "of information, of history, of all kinds of knowledge" - the rest of us (well, not quite all) are throwing it away as if it didn't even matter. Because to us, as Freddy Mercury himself said, nothing really matters.

I found Lessing's speech incredibly moving. In some ways it reminded me of my own desperation for books when I was growing up; it also made me grateful for my riches, reading about the man in Zimbabwe who, trying to start a library and sent a box of books from America, put them away wrapped in plastic saying, "but if they get dirty where will I get more?" whilst facing my own wall of books. It also shamed me as a parent. When did I get so lazy? I suddenly think I should put a password lock on the computer and ration out the MSN on the basis of chapters read. After all, her shelves are groaning with Jane Austen, To Kill a Mockingbird, I Capture the Castle, A Wrinkle in Time. Is it an insane idea?


* We'll just disregard that for the moment; we know the kind of thing she means. She probably doesn't even know about Chip Dale or Non-Working Monkey, or even Baroque in Hackney. I do have thoughts about all this of course, relating to cumulative structure, the development of ideas, the nature of the blog form and so on - and my thoughts are not all complimentary to blog form - but that's for another day.

** "Shanti" means "the peace that surpasseth all understanding." Call me a Westerner, but the older I get the more I think that "the peace that surpasseth all understanding" can only usefully be applied as a definition of death - and thus, in my book, is something I'm not very interested in. At the least it sounds pretty damn boring. In any case, there was no peace at all in that place, not even the kind most people would be able to understand, and even appreciate. But that too is another story... and it was the first time we ever heard Mama Baroque say the F word!

the rain it raineth

... but not quite every day! There may be torrents lashing my window as I type, but yesterday I was catapulted - in that strange, overnight-flight way - into a glorious, sunny, cold day in London.

I put myself back into the right time zone, in the course of a lovely drive home from Gatwick, by climbing up the hill at Greenwich, the Epicentre of World Time, and visually recalibrating. London's panorama of east to west, and also through time, spread out in front of me like - like - like a sweet shop window, as I've written elsewhere - one of the most bracing sights. You could almost touch it. The light was sort of liquid and gold, strangely complicated after the clean, empirical white light of North America, so that the different buildings took on almost a quality of activity as they occupied their little spaces. On the film of my mind this view is superimposed on the soft caressing Catskills that cradled me as a baby,* and New York State's stark grey winter trees. The grass in Greenwich Park seemed extra green, and the Gherkin and St Paul's and Canary Wharf were poignantly foregrounded by England's naval history. In a bookshop there was a seven-volume set of Nelson's Logs and Letters: "Dysentery again..."

I'm now in my lovely bed - yes, still! - having slept for almost 11 hours and woken up at the perfectly appropriate time of 9.45. I have to be at the hairdresser in three hours, before my roots start looking like those trees.

* Go on: am I in Pseud's Corner yet?

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

international banking for dummies

Okay, let's say a person goes to New York. Let's say the person is American, sort of, and goes to New York for the second time in three months. But they organised the trip in a hurry and didn't think of telling the bank they were going, because the bank already knows they were there recently, and really, it's none of their business anyway.

WRONG.

Because if you don't tell the bank you are going to New York, and then you spend constant little amounts like £8 and £16.92 on your card in places like Walgreens and CVS and K Mart, they will think the fraudsters have got hold of your identity and are having a field day. So they will stop your card, and you will not find this out until you are at the counter in the liquor store with a bottle of Merlot and another bottle of single malt scotch for your brother, which you don't want to do without, so you will have to pay for them with your last $40 in cash.

So then you will sigh, saying, "Alas, I must ring the Abbey National from my English cell phone at a cost of £1.50 a minute to sort this out; what a plonker." But you will be in the mountains, and there will be no signal on your little phone. And it's an 0845 number, which can only be rung from a UK line. So you'll call 411 to ask for international directory enquiries, to get a number you can call from a US phone. 411 will tell you you need to dial 00 for international. In a snotty voice, because everyone knows that, don't they.

Except you.

00 will ask you for a something-or-other code, which will be Ancient Greek or maybe Serbo-Croat to you, and your brother will say, "why don't you try dialling 0 for the normal [sic] operator?" You will do this, but instead of talking to an operator, you will find yourself in a forest of recorded options all to do with Verizon. Eventually a girl will come on, tell you they don't do international and that you should dial 00. When you explain that you've already tried to do that she will transfer you to business services and hang up on you before you can even ask what that's about.

You will them spend some period listening to terrible American country-pop from the dreary 70s. But then another Verizon girl will come on and ask for the name of the account holder, and the account number. You will get halfway through pestering your sister-in-law for this information before suddenly realising how intrusive the whole thing suddenly feels. "But all I wanted was a phone number! Why do you need the account number? Are we in some way under suspicion?"

"Ma'am," she'll say to you in a weary, patronising voice, as if you were a mental patient. "In order for me to give you assistance you need to give me the account number, to verify the account and ascertain whether it 'has long distance on it', you may find that is why you can't dial international," etc.

"But" you expostulate, "I'm only trying to ask for a phone number! I haven't even got to phoning international yet! I just want to call my bank!"

Gradually it will become apparent to you that even thinking about asking for an international number qualifies as "making an international call."

"Ma'am," the weary girl will say again. Stating the obvious. "We don't give out phone numbers here." This will engender another little discussion, to which she will reply saying, "Unless you give me the account details I can't check to see if you have long-distance on the account and you probably won't be able to call international from that number anyway, and if you want my assistance I will need to enter the account details into the system" etc. Only she will use three times as many words to say this.

You will attempt to talk to her as if she were a human being. "Look," you'll say. "You have to admit this is frustrating! Imagine if you were visiting someone and just had to call your bank! And I'm not even up to that yet, I'm only trying to call information! You'd be frustrated too!" Your voice will rise.

Meanwhile, your brother will be sitting there trying to reinstall Windows, but his pc won't be accepting any of his key numbers. "Christ!" he'll shout, punching numbers into little tiny boxes on the screen. "Jesus!"

"You two!" your sister-in-law will say. She will go back into her bedroom and shut the door.

However, your brother, being a genius of the highest order and also an erstwhile IT professional, will manage what you couldn't: he will extract the correct number from the Abbey National website. So then you will get dressed and go the mile and a half into town to buy a calling card (note: not a calling bird) and see if the ATM will still accept your other card, and at least get your bus ticket into the City for tomorrow, and then back to the house to get down to calling the bank.*

And no, stopping to write the whole thing down is not procrastination.


* "I'm sorry, but we're all busy helping other customers at the moment. Please hold the line and we will talk to you when we're free." "Thanks for being so patient! You're moving up the queue, so please have your account details ready." 54 minutes on hold. I've given up.

back to earth, hopefully not with a thump

Getting real here. Tomorrow I have to go get on a plane in Newark, which means I have to lug my stuff from Woodstock to NYC, and from NYC to Newark, and then persuade the people at the check-in desk to let me check my bags in. What this means is that I have to do the packing, and I have to do it right.

Gone are the days, you know - as long as it fits in a bag it's all right - no, even hair products and body oil, all the most impractical things you can think of, now have to go in the hold, even though it's not pressurised, which means they're likely to burst open in transit, which means that today I need (in this town which lacks a supermarket) to get loads of ziplock bags. And last week at Heathrow they were trying to tell me my carry-on bag had to weigh less than six kilos! The bag itself weights four kilos. I was pretty much going to have to carry on an empty bag and check my laptop in, which I refused pointblank to do. But, because of the security, you do have to be able to get your laptop out of the bag easily - and then back in again - you know, what do they think we're like? We can't all be nomads.

Plus, there are the new sheets. They're pretty big even once you get them out of the packaging - and one of them has already been washed from where a muddy cat went and slept on it, but did it shrink? No. And the obligatory American Sweets. And just the couple of books and a Tony Hancock DVD nobody can play over here, wrong region apparently. And then there are the three framed pictures which an indefatigable aunt and uncle are even now trying to pack up in such a way that I can check them in - rather than, say, sending them to myself at vast expense and then having to pay import duty on them, can you imagine - which of course also means "in such a way that I can lug them through Port Authority." God I hate that place. And I still haven't worked out a good system for managing two suitcases, the carry-on bag and the coffee.

Then there's the kids, and then there's the cousins, and then there's Baby Bro and his wife. And one evening! Well, everyone's had a cut of me, I guess. And there are phone calls to make tonight.

I have to say, it will be lovely to be home. There are people to see there too, including of course the Baroquelings... I feel as if I've been gone a month.

Meanwhile there's the four calling birds poem, the manuscript and attendant other issues like for example permissions for quoted material, which I have not as yet addressed at all - and now it's the run-up to Christmas - and, ahem, Hecht. Oh and three books waiting for me at home to be reviewed. Oh, and work! Yes. Not only that but I have a toothache. I might go take a Nurofen.

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

me and Woodstock

There is no literature here; there's only life. I'm in my family, really in it, by which I think I mean nestled in the bowl of mountains that seems to surround Woodstock. I was in my family before, of course - where more than at your father's funeral - but these Catskills sort of brought me into the world, and they are the place I get homesick for, if and when I ever get homesick. When I'm here I'm utterly here.

Right now the mountains are a mauve-grey, and in front of them the trees are a grey-grey, and over them the sky is grey-white. It is beautiful. Tinker St - the main drag in Woodstock - is lined with little wooden buildings, many of which used to be houses once upon a time, and are mostly chi-chi shops now. Some more useful than others. Woodstock Wines and Spirits, for example, is highly useful, as is Tinker Toys, as is the Golden Notebook (except they have no Ring Lardner).

As is Jean Turmo, the make-up emporium I've been going to since my teens and which has expanded into a big thing - but their own-brand cosmetics are still fabulous. I always feel better when I have a couple of things from Jean Turmo in my make-up bag. It reminds me of, for example, coming out of there with my cousin Stephanie when we had dyed our hair blue and walking straight into our cousin Nadja, who burst out laughing: "Katie and Steph have been playing in the ba-athroo-oom!" (Stephanie later got in lots of trouble for, if I recall correctly, dying a dog bright pink. I'm still not sure why anybody was surprised.) It reminds me of all the hours ransacking my cousins' dressing tables back when everyone was wearing spangly tops and too-tight jeans to go down to what my uncle called the Pinhead Palace (except me; I was sprawled on the enormous old velvet sofa reading Evelyn Waugh), raiding their glittery eyeshadow and lip glosses.

It reminds me of when I was a kid and used to borrow someone's bike to get to town, and the day I had no lock - so I went into the whole-food shop on the grounds that they were all hippies and into anarchism, and asked if I could leave it in their back room. Of course they said yes, and the grownups all laughed when I told them later.

It reminds me of my cousin Katya playing dumb townie with the New Jerseyites who asked her "where the festival was" - "What festival? Was there some kind of festival...?" Even so it took her 15 minutes to shake them off.

Silly random memories of the moment. All the hours hanging out on the Green - everybody has to do that, but everybody also has to grow out of it and what a relief that is! The shops around the Green right now - and around the Dutch Reform Church that is the centrepiece - are decorated in true American style for Christmas, with candy cane stripes and swags of green boughs and red wreaths and bells.

Liz and I had lunch today at the Woodstock Pub, disregarding the fact that it's now called Landau Grill. We sat at an inside table (as it is freezing and snowy out). Walking past the old familiar bar I said, "I've never been in this far before!" Liz: "No, me neither. We went right past the bar!" The old bar where my Uncle Pete, twenty years gone now, used to buy us all drinks when he sold a painting, and his own bottle of Becks. When I was going to London the first time when I was 19, we all had lunch there (outside) and Uncle Pete slipped me a wad of notes under the table, with a finger to his lips.

And that's just the town - there are winding roads all through these mountains, along many of which various relatives have lived in the past, with various views of the mountains, the sky, the sunrise along route 28, the reservoir. One house was haunted. The mountains fold themselves differently, and hold you differently, according to these relationships. There are bears; there are deer; there are coyotes which will keep you awake in the night. Woodstock itself gets more and more touristy. In the summers it's like St Ives. The Grand Union - the only supermarket in town - is now a CVS; if you want food you either have to go to the deli or the organic fruit stand or drive to Kingston. I asked for a Becks today but they don't have it at the Landau Grill. And in three days I'll be back in London. What will it be like?

a radio silence

Sunday, 2 December 2007

snow! excitement! children!

Well, readers, there is a major weather system moving through the Ulster County area and into Connecticut. Mama Baroque and Sis were going to drive me to Woodstock, the bro's big yellow 4x4 (aka Big Bird) being too full of teenagers and dogs to carry the Baroque personage as well, but now it is not possible. So I am to go on a Peter Pan bus lines bus to New York City (two and a bit hours), and thence to Woodstock (another two and a bit hours) (with an hour's stopover in the City); to supervise me I will have a charming and loquacious ten-year-old who looks strangely like me.

Hurrah!

I've stipulated that she must have a book to read...

And tomorrow there will be a Snow Day. No school! (Note: well, it is easy to predict a snow day. Anyone can do that, just as Mark Twain was able to quit smoking 500 times. Driving through the mere few inches in a strangely calm New Paltz and Kingston I realised how precarious a skill this really is, as my darling companion's face got longer and longer. Soon she was reminiscing about some cartoon she'd seen on Nickelodeon about some character who faked a doctor's note.)

Saturday, 1 December 2007

death, and death cheated

Your correspondent is a simple soul. Here, on the day of a memorial service for le Duc de Baroque, she has very little to say. Instead, we give you.... Mozart.

It's a miracle this film is even available, you know.



And, harking back to that year I was 14 and my mother took me to see Bergman's Magic Flute... it was a joint effort there: she took me to the movie, he gave me the (Klemperer) recording.



And I'm happy to report that it's snowing here today.

Friday, 30 November 2007

happy birthday Mark Twain















like me - writing in bed - but he doesn't look very comfortable...

172 today! Some age. Mark Twain built himself a magnificent house in Hartford after he got famous, and lived in it for over twenty years. I used to cut through his grounds to get to school, dawdled past the beautiful carriage house and fantasised about the lucky keepers who got to live in there, and felt Clemens generally as a benevolent presence in my childhood. His birthday message today is rather sombre, given the doings in the House of Baroque: "Let us endeavour so to live," he wrote, "so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."

And many happy returns.

a postcard from limbo

I'm talking about the state of suspended animation - the floating island between heaven and hell, not even bad enough to be all that interesting - not the novelty dance from Trinidad, amusing as that would be. Anyway, that would do my back in , which would be hell, so there we are.

And never mind that Limbo itself was voted out of existence by the Vatican a few years back! The concept, see, exists purely now as an essential paradigm within Western consciousness, whether one thinks one believes it or not, mwith the inevitable result that one will find oneself involuntarily transported to its shores from time to time, regardless.

This is different from any visit home I've ever had: one of a kind. One to remember. We're not doing any of the usual things, or not in the usual way anyway - I mean, me in Marshalls trying on shoes isn't exactly a novelty, but me lying in Dad's guest-room bed all morning for two consecutive days, in my sister's apartment, is. It's the first time I've ever, in over a hundred years, been back twice in three months.

I kind of like it. With her smoker's voice and my laryngitis the two of us sound like Marge Simpson's sisters.

And the coffee here is all-you-can-drink, unless you go into Starbucks and have a double (tepid) espresso, in which case you do have to lay off for a few hours.

The dogs are ecstatic to have me & Sis in the apartment during the day; one of them is trying to cut my toenails with his teeth as I type this, in between trying to eat my phone. Yesterday we went shopping. Today Mama Baroque flies in from Down South, where she now chooses to spend her winter months, and we will have lunch or something; no idea after that. I was hoping to find a pair of boots...

Tomorrow, the memorial service for le Duc "and beyond!" In the morning Sis & I will go get our nails done. Classic displacement activity, and another thing we've never done, not together on a visit anyway. The service, the reception. It's all very weird. Dad's not here - but for the moment, equally strangely but less drastically, neither is Mom. Life, eh.

Meanwhile, a look at my Google inbox reminds me that I've been commissioned (for no money - poets are such goddamned stiffs) to write a poem on the subject of "four calling birds" in preparation for some Christmas extravaganza being put on by Roddy Lumsden the week after I get back to London. Calling bird ideas welcome! (To be honest, I always find that those twelve long days of Christmas are another kind of limbo. But let's not go there yet... or maybe that's my idea. What do they call, precisely? And what does colly mean?)

Thursday, 29 November 2007

are poets professional writers?














The time zone I'm now in is midway, morally at least, between London and Los Angeles. I know many of us are following the American scriptwriters' strike with keen eyes, waiting to see how soon they'll have to get better writers in for most Hollywood movies. What I hadn't realised, as I battled with the elements up there above the Atlantic yesterday,* was that the UK's poets have come out on strike in support. Read more at NewsBiscuit...

But seriously, folks!

It so happens that the poets of the UK are in process of organising themselves. In my Academi newsletter last week there was an item about the digitalisation of the magazine archives at the Welsh National Library. Newsletter recipients were invited to put their names on a list of writers refusing to authorise the use of their work in the project, as no provision had been made to pay the authors for this "new use" of copyrighted work. I think the protest is being mobilised by the poet Oliver Reynolds; the following letter from the Western Mail seems to be written by him, though I'm lifting it from the Academi newsletter:

"The National Library of Wales is currently digitising 90 Welsh periodicals and magazines. This project, Welsh Journals Online, aims to provide “free, online, searchable access” to complete runs of such titles as Barddas and Poetry Wales.

Set up by librarians and academics, the project does not seem to have consulted creative and professional writers or the bodies that represent them.

The project is receiving more than £840,000 in public funding. The Library, though, has not allocated any money for the people who wrote the articles, reviews, stories and poems that make up the magazines. Instead, it hopes that rights holders will allow their material to be used for free.

Writing is work. Professional writers are paid both for their work and for its re-use. In not making provision for the payment of copyright holders, the project is seriously flawed. Until this matter is addressed, writers who want to keep Welsh writing on a professional basis will not allow the National Library of Wales to digitise their work."

I wrote to Oliver mentioning the British Library's archiving programme, and of course the work the Poetry Library at the South Bank is doing with digital periodical archives. He wrote back to me thus:

"I have had a chat with Chris McCabe at the P Lib - and their scheme was far more mindful of the implications of what they were doing than NLW. On a list of FAQ about the NLW project on their site it says that material can be downloaded and printed. I would have thought that does "constitute new use of the material".

Now. Am I missing something? I'm happy to support the rights of writers. I really am. But there are a couple of strands here that I think may need unpicking before I'm convinced I really support this protest. One is whether poets can really benefit from this "fair pay for a fair day's work" organised labour mentality. And the other strand is the question raised by the whole digitisation issue, the availiability of original work by artists to be downloaded; we're familiar with this in connection with musicians. It's not going to go away, so it does behoove writers to develop a stance on it, I suppose.

But are poets "professional" in that strictly financial sense, which translates ownership of copyright automatically into shekels? I can't see it. I can remember telling my parents, one day when I was little, that I wanted to be a poet. I think. And they told me that all those poets you read in the books, the dead white males, they all had other jobs - they had to earn their living doing other things. I got my head round it and lo! here I am. Am I wrong, missing a trick? Most of the "professional poets" I know make their money from teaching, doing residencies, writing other things, or - as it happens - are supported at least in part by their partners. It certainly isn't something a single, sole-bill-paying parent could reasonably aspire to. They don't make their money from writing poetry. And even were they do protect with the fierceness of a mother lioness the copyright on all their published works, they still never would. Whcih is not to say they shouldn't, but merely that it is a point of principle, not a pecuniary one.

Given that even the specialist poetry press barely pays for the stuff in the first place - given that it is virtually without, or is even beyond, monetary value, I think this withdrawing of services pending remuneration makes no sense. It's a sideways thing. Nobody ever really said they wanted those services in the first place. Poetry is the dead cat of writing.

As to the intellectual property element, the fact of downloadability, well, the library is archiving magazines, not republishing individual works by individual authors. The fact is that anything, whether it says it's downloadable or not, is downloadable, if only in the form of a screen grab, and that's that. Once the eords exist in the order you've put them in, they simply exist: they could be copied with a pencil into a copybook, typed out and xeroxed, photographed and reproduced. Are these writers saying they don't want their words to be visible on a screen? Why?

In any case I just can't see that re-paying writers for work which is being reproduced within its original context - and for which they have already been either paid either once or, critically, not at all - is an idea that's going to go far. If anything, you'd think the library should pay the magazines for permissions, and the magazines would then pay the authors. But even that seems untenable.

Note that I'm not being paid for writing this blog. It's mine, I just write it. Even were I to write it for Comment is Free (say), I'd be getting paid less than writers who write for the paper Guardian. I have heard, incidentally, of commissioned articles ("commissioned" being, I think, crucial) by "professional" writers getting "spiked" onto CiF, whereupon their authors then become eligible only for the CiF fee - which is, at an hourly rate, about enough to cover a first draft. (Interesting question: which is smaller? The CiF fee or the kill fee they'd have been paid if the piece hadn't been used at all? Now this is worth looking into.)

The issue of whether writing as an activity has an intrinsic market value is an important one and isn't going to go away. To this extent, writers are right to protest (although, on that basis, I should not be blogging). But can this apply to purely creative writing? Only, I think, once that writing, the body of work, has a clearly established market value. Even a novel, once it's published, has that. But a single poem lodged, otherwise out-of-print and never intended to be anything but, in a back issue of a magazine?

And is it different if it's a review? Really?

Are these poets protesting against a real abuse of their position in the marketplace, or are they protesting against a state of affairs they think is unfair? I'm not sure what I think. There is a big part of me that thinks, Chidiock Tichborne asked to be paid for his Elegy; but then maybe I'm just inured to the evil system. It certainly would be nice to just write a poem and then be able to fire it off somewhere with the aim of paying the Virgin Media bill. Maybe the poets are right to protest.

Ideas, anyone?


* and it was no joke; the worst element I encountered was a nasty little glass of Virgin wine that got knocked over by an empty plastic food container as I struggled to eat my "meal" in six inches of space, and saturated the entire left leg of my only jeans with its redness, wineyness and general nastiness. I realise this may only sound as bad as "Islington poet drops virgin olive oil on toe whilst wearing sandals," but let me assure you it was not pleasant.