I Am Getting Older

Dear Katy is unwell. She spends her days on a chaise-longue, hand pressed to her forehead, reading the ghastly Elizabeth B-B. Very occasionally she pauses to take a pinch of snuff but soon regrets it; for every time she sneezes, she has the terrible feeling that her innards will pop out again, making a ghastly mess of the Persian silk carpet.

The thought of things bursting out when one sneezes is not entirely unfamiliar to me. I am getting older, I have realised; I may only be thirty-seven, but in my heart I am sixty (and not the nowadays kind of denim jacket/Saga holidays/"active sex life" sixty; the dusty kind of old lady sixty).

I have proof.

Skipping ropes

I skipped with a skipping rope and a full bladder about seven months ago. I do not recommend it. (I should point out that I do not have children.)

Sitting down

"Oof!"

Tea

"Lovely!"

Young people

I do not understand them, and cannot join in (even if they ask, out of pity).

Knitting

I have just ordered a book that will tell me how to knit, and contains patterns for hats and cardigans. It is not a 'trendy' knitting book; it is plain, with line drawings, and clothes that my grandmother's cleaner would have enjoyed.

Magazines

A momentous occasion: I chose Good Housekeeping on Sunday as the other magazines didn't look very interesting. I am extremely pleased with my choice and, when not looking at a picture of Lorraine Kelly, I am looking forward to reading a piece entitled "SUPERQUICK SUPPERS on the table in 20 MINUTES".

Pants

I have many types of pants, some of which go up my crack, and some that have bows and frills on, but I like gigantic black cotton Sloggi pants best.

Motor Homes

My young man (aged 40) and I are planning to hire to Motor Home in which we will drive up and down the West Coast of America. "Don't worry too much about Las Vegas, darling, I'm much more interested in the landscape."

A little lie down

And I'm not talking about the kind you have on holiday with your young man.

Working

For the young.

Shoes

Comfortable.

Hair

Practical.

Anoraks

Oh come on. I've got SOME self-respect.


(Get well soon Katy. I wanted to write you a post that was the equivalent of a smart bunch of flowers from Moyses Stevens and a first edition of The Pursuit of Love, but instead you get a miniature box of Celebrations and last week's copy of Now! magazine, but without the celebrity pics.)