ten things I would never, ever, ever do

On command of Dave Hill:

1. grow my hair long & flat, go without make up and wear Birkenstocks, like I did when I was 16 (but I had an excuse then: it was either that or look like Abba)

2. let other people set my agenda (kids aren't really people, right?)

3. take almost anything for granted - seems an unbelievable luxury

4. (probably) own my own home again - & don't even talk to me about the goddamn housing crisis in London, which the government would have us believe affects only young and "low income" people - there are "affordable housing" schemes you have to earn £50K to get on, & just don't get me started! Teachers in "key worker" housing with outgoings of £1,200 a month - & I'm just a "non-key" worker - that is, not very important - only trying to provide a home for three kids - one of whom never comes here any more because the flat's too small. Thanks, guys! I just hope I end up in the same old age home as one of my friends. Oh, and I can NEVER RETIRE.

5. want to be single (notwithstanding Noosa Lee's eulogy on breakfast in bed; I can't tell you how much I hate crumbs in the sheets; & now I've said that she'll never even come stay with me once she's moved back to the tropics, as she so quaintly calls it)

6. not write (again; see 2)

7. wear those sort of humorous earrings that look like things, eg Christmas puddings

8. countenance intolerance, righteousness, bigotry, small thinking, prejudice, the Bush administration or America's Next Top Model

9. stop believing in the power of love, education, literacy, and the efficacy of sitting quietly in a very beautiful, old church

10. give up

To be honest, in the course of a very busy life I have actually done most of the things I once swore never to do! I have little faith in grandiose claims. I've learned that in the right circumstances - or at least under certain conditions - almost anything can happen. So here, as a bonus, are:

ten things I once swore I would never do

1. nod politely when I really, really, really disagree with someone

2. watch EastEnders

3. bottle-feed (turns out it makes a difference how close together you have them!)

3. work for a council (never again, mind)

4. get divorced

5. be ungrateful - or, as Ms Rational Self-Determination calls it, "just plain dissatisfied"; like her, I seem to be just plain dissatisfied every single day of my life, no matter how much I swear I mustn't be

6. hit someone (or indeed throw a large hardback copy of The Corrections at their nose)

7. eat squid

8. be single for nine years

9. listen to country music out of choice

10. be played by Jennifer Saunders in the film of my life (but alas, it seems I must)








"You know, I think she'd be a great catch for someone..."

Tag ten people? Lord.