Richard Branson, you asshole, are you listening?
Okay I have just rung Virgin Media to pay my bill - not sure what happened there, I think the Direct Debit must have failed while I was in the States. And here's the deal. You have to talk to a machine.
I guess I'm not in the mood to be fucked with right now. Unlike, give or take a preposition, the girl on the recording, whose voice is sweet and husky in just the way I imagine a bloke would like, as if she's had a few double vodkas, but somehow managed to remain sober, and really, really likes him. She's so patient! So she doesn't mind. I've written about the deep inappropriateness of Virgin Media's customer-facing communications before.
The thing is, I don't have a choice. They took over from my service provider and I was as much a spoil of war as if I were a Sabine woman. And the husky girl, because she's a recording and just faking it, she doesn't care that the service she's fronting is crap. Half the time you can't even get the TV guide up on screen! The internet's slow. The modem packs up and you have to reboot the whole thing. The phone lines don't open till 8am. And even then you can't get a real person to speak to.
The first time I ignored all requests to speak and eventually got put through to "somebody you can speak to," which was a relief until the girl answered. She sounded normal, at least. But she couldn't hear me. After a minute of going "hello? helloooo?" and the horrible loud clicks of her trying to get a connection, I hung up. The second time I had to talk to the recording.
And here's the tihng. Everybody knows that is annoying and I have just realised why. It is horribly demeaning. It is demeaning, it strips you of your personhood, to have to fake a conversation with a machine. Even - and especially - if the machine has been recorded to say a husky little "okay?" at the end of every question. Like an imbecile. And you can't even tell it to fuck off.
12 comments:
The ones that really get to me: Automated dialling. My phone rings, I put down the baby, dive over toys and furniture to answer it, and what do I get? Elevator music, or dead air. "Hello? Hello?" Um, yeah, hello! They called me. My life is so insignificant that they can interrupt it at any time and then leave me hanging? What respect they have for their customers!
I'm so used to machines cold-calling me that I now put the phone down on any real person whose voice a) has a slightly metallic timbre, b) sounds bored (and is therefore not relating to mw, c) is unfamiliar. Sometimes, the voice phones back. One woman, who'd actually called to do me a favour, or what passes in the eyes of Tiscali as a favour, told me I was very rude. I tell you, I crawled to win back her faith in me.
You need me to come over there and muscle these effers?
Cerebralmum - I know, that really gets me too... sigh, as Rilly super would say.
Charles, you're with Tiscali? You're a braver man than I am, Gunga Din. Great story...
Erin - yes please! you are just what we need! And if I ever manage to get a bloody sodding bed from flaming Ikea, then you can sleep on my couch! But right now their website is refusing my card. For some reason.
Sympathies.
And you can't even tell it to fuck off.
actually, i did,
here
No, I pretended to be with Tiscali because it's easier than admitting I'm with Wind. The truth makes me sound as though I need to be burped.
Oh, for goodness sake, Katy darling, how long have you been living in Britland? On this side of the Pond it's "arsehole", not "asshole". Please get it right.
Girl - that is very funny.
Charles, so is that!
And Francis sweetie, it's called emphasis, because asshole sounds much worse than arsehole I think. It's a much more aggressive term. And when are we having that coffee? The Hitch will be onto trashing atheism before we get round to it.
And Francis sweetie, it's called emphasis, because asshole sounds much worse than arsehole I think.
Not when Father Jack says it. "Arse!"
As for the other, how about this weekend? I'll be in touch privately.
Yeah, I could have said "you arse." Every time I see this headline I feel a little shocked at myself.
Every time I see this headline I feel a little shocked at myself.
Is this further evidence of the Inebriated Trots' malign influence?
Do you know, it may well be. Although I'm sorry to say I do swear like a trouper in daily life. More so if something annoys me.
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